Me: A User Manual

How can I tell if you are angry?
It depends how angry I am. If I’m merely irked, I’ll have a brief rant about whatever it is and then feel better. If I’m mad, I’ll get quiet, speak precisely and very briefly. If I’m furious, I go completely silent and pale. That’s the one you have to watch out for. If I’m making noise, I’m blowing off steam. If I’m not, I’m about to go boom.

How should I behave around you if you’re angry?
Again, it depends. If it’s because you fucked up, give me a genuine apology and I’ll usually calm down pretty quickly. If you’re snarky or defensive, it’ll just piss me off more, and ignoring the issue will just give me something to stew over that will inevitably end up making me more angry than I was before. If I’m furious, just back off, because once I’ve reached that stage I’ll only calm down with time, and speaking to me will just give me something to go off at.

How do you want me to behave when you are hurting emotionally? (How is it best to comfort you?)
Let me know you care. You don’t have to do a lot, just be there.

Are there things we should not discuss?
That’s really up to you. I can discuss anything without coming away with bruised feelings, but unless you’re equally able to seperate emotions from the conversation, it’s best just to leave hot button topics alone.

How should I treat you if you are physically ill?
I regress to the age of five when I’m sick. I just want to be warm, comfortable and alone. Being held is good, but someone has exclusive rights in that area.

What makes you happy, that’s in my power to grant as a friend?
Loyalty and trust, though nothing makes me happier than seeing my friends happy.

How would you like me to recognize your birthday?
Good whisky. I’m hard to buy gifts for, so if you have to get me something, my Amazon wishlists are a good place to start. But really the best gift I could get is the pleasure of hanging out with people I love.

Are there any standing categories of presents that would be appropriate or unwelcome?
Books are always welcome. Like I say, I’m hard to buy gifts for, so gift vouchers are cool. For some reason, I dislike getting clothes for gifts from anyone except family – I’ve no idea why. If you want to put a smile on my face that lasts for weeks, you can’t go wrong with Daleks 🙂

Are there times of the year that are difficult for you? Please explain if you are comfortable.
I hate heat. “Warm” is fine, but when I’m sweating when I’m sitting still, it’s too fucking hot. It makes me cranky. My birthday tends to depress me, but I’m working on that. Christmas gets me down if I’m broke, because I love giving gifts. Winter hasn’t been a great time for me recently, due to a number of bereavements.

Are there important anniversaries that I should recognize in your life?
Nope. I prefer not to think about birthday’s and I hate being the centre of attention.

Who are the most important people in your life to whom I should defer when making plans on your behalf?
Carrie, because if you fuck up she’ll pull out your spine and show it to you, smiling.


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