Weird Science

Internal Affairs

I came across this while browsing my old Facebook notes, and remember my initial reaction.

Oh, yeah, this sounds like such a good idea. Not only are we making robots smarter and faster, but we’re now making them small enough to crawl around your entrails and encouraging people to swallow them. Has the world gone mad?! They’re even calling this perversion of science “the spider pill”, which frankly sounds like something that would make William Burroughs and Hunter S. Thompson wake up in a cold sweat, summoning visions of a robotic version of the urban legend about the woman with the infested beehive hairdo.

Can you imagine trying to sell this procedure to anyone sane?

“That’s right Mrs Jones, it’s a pill that’s also a spider. But it’s better than that, because it’s also a robot.

Now, I’m terrified of spiders already. Lots of people are frightened of spiders. So they decide to make mechanical ones that you have to swallow and then poop out after they’ve done a Wild Kingdom documentary of your Via Chocolata? Are these people sadists, or just bored? And these intestinal intruders can be remote controlled! How long is it going to be before some adolescent hacks my spiderbot and gets it to crochet my colon closed, or some nascent AI downloads itself into my poopchute passenger and I start getting “kill the fleshy ones” commands from the vicinity of my small intestine? Have these people never watched the X-Files?


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